Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
