so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
