$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
