Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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