you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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