He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
