Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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