did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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