so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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