sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
