Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
