it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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