If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
