My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want nice things and good sex
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
