she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
