some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I think I died a long time ago.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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