My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
