What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
