Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
