I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
