I met the friendliest cop last night
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
