At least make sure they are 18
Why
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
