Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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