Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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