Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
