It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
