Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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