ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
