how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
