He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
