we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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