Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
