I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
