i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
