I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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