the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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