Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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