I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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