I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
