Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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