I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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