if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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