i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
