Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
