Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
