Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
