I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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