Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
