Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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