I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
