I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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