I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize