I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
