You're my little dorito
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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