i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
