My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
