I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
