I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
