here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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