Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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