You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize